Blaring Gaps in Knowledge: Lily Aldrin

*photo by PopEntertainment.com

Lily Aldrin can't aim.

It isn't that she can't make a basket or can't throw something within a few inches of where it needs to go. She just can't aim.

Which makes you wonder: how does she play frisbee? How much time does she lose walking up to a garbage can to place a piece of refuse in it? And then how quickly does she wash her hands? And then what does she do with the towel she uses to dry her hands off? It must take her hours just to use a public restroom.

I mean, sure she's short. We wouldn't expect her to be good at basketball or jai alai or that trick that Hoops does on the sailboat in "One Crazy Summer." But at least John Cusack practices.

She's a kindergarten teacher and if there's one thing I know about kindergartners, they can target. When I worked with kindergartners, I must have gone home about six or seven times a month having been knocked in the sack with a foot, a bat, a broom handle, or a head. Those little bastards know where to find your privates at any time they have a good shot.

But she's somehow missed the lessons children can teach us too. If anyone has a good idea about how to teach her how to keep her wild pitches, not necessarily over the plate, but at least in the same ballpark, I'm taking suggestions.

Blaring Gaps in Knowledge: Grammar Nazis and The Metaphorically Deficient Mind

I received an MFA in Creative Writing and a BA in English from an accredited institution. I can, with very little effort, proofread, nitpick, and otherwise divide up a piece of writing into its grammatical pieces and point out its grammatical flaws, spelling and punctuation errors, and misuse of metaphor like the best of them.

And I too get a tiny eye twitch whenever I read internet writers type your for you're, there or their for they're, and forget to capitalize the start of a sentence or its proper nouns and to punctuate that sentence accurately.

But there is a point where we have to recognize the effect that living has on language. In Shakespeare's day, there were no standardized spellings for anything. Books were new, vernaculars were rampant and publishers were racing to put out as much written material as possible because it was a growing business. Hell, Shakespeare himself didn't spell his name consistently throughout his career. But Shakespeare affected the language in so many different ways (the term "household name" is itself an invention of Shakespeare) because he was:

a) creative, and
b) knew how the common folk were using language.

Language, particularly one as vibrant as English, is a changing thing and it will continue to change as long as people use it. And just like when the Gutenberg printing press changed the literate world by making bibles available to people in their own language, the Internet, for better or worse, is making all kinds of things possible with language.

For example, I've had some naysayers comment that the title of the blog should be Glaring Gaps since that is the more common cliche when it comes to talking about huges gaps in knowledge. The idea is that the gap is so big that it is staring, or glaring, at you in the face.

Ah, but a smart writer is a deliberate writer and I deliberately chose the oft misquoted Blaring Gaps for a purpose.

1. A gap really isn't going to literally glare at you, just as much as it isn't going to literally blare at you. When I think of glaring, I think of the kind of quiet, angry stare I give to people who correct my grammar incorrectly (like when they use whom because it sounds more informal). I know how to use whom and even when it's correct, it sounds wrong because of how our language is used. Whom is rarely used in America and it is so often misused that people are just going with what makes more sense: who.

2. These gaps that I intend to write about aren't just staring at you, they are setting off alarm bells, they are screaming to be changed. That is why I chose blaring. It actually fits the image I want to say. I realize that to the unread reader, it may seem like I made a thoughtless, unintentional, stupid mistake. But to that unread reader, I say keep practicing.

Metaphors are difficult and no one mixes and misuses metaphors in such a weird and fucked up way as internet writers. And grammar, in case you haven't noticed, is developing in a whole new way on the internet and, this is going to shock grammar nazis everywhere: IT'S OKAY!

No one is going to attempt to use internet grammar in an academic paper, but internet grammar is how most of us are communicating in written language and the internet and its users value efficiency and speed of writing and information more than grammar, intelligent dialogue, and accuracy.

Now I'm not gonna start not caring what I type: I will still type in Standard Written English. But I'm also not gonna get bent out of shape because someone used or didn't use an Oxford comma. As long as your message is clear to me, language has done its job. This is why context is more important than text.

The point is: language is supposed to be doing this. Languages that don't change with its users become dead languages. Writers who don't play around with metaphors and stick to the same old cliches and don't celebrate the many alternate versions of language are destined to go quiet into that good night. And readers who don't accept those changes are destined to find themselves fighting tired ghosts who have long since left their hauntings.

I intend not to go quiet as long as I have a voice to shout with. I intend to put those old ghosts to bed.

Blaring Gaps in Knowledge: My friend Mary

Mary's gap is a pretty blaringly wide one. I think most of us have figured out how to identify certain types of people who are bad for us right away so that we can defend ourselves against them. Mary has not and there is a certain type of person that is easy to recognize and yet she misses the boat on this kind of person completely, always falling for and then scraping up her heart afterwards due to this type.

For some time now, she has struggled with finding even a nice guy to date, let alone someone she's attracted to for longer than seven seconds (we have been saying SQUIRREL! to her ages before it was ever on Facebook in every other meme featuring a distracted dog or child-she's just that easily distracted!).

You see, Mary can't distinguish between a douchebag and a regular guy. For a bit, she was interested in a guy that looked a heckuva lot like this:

And as you can see, the interwebs has already done the detailed analysis of this douche's douchebaggery. I should mention too; her douche had pink lips just like this.

She also likes to watch Jersey Shore. And although she claims it is because she likes to see horrible people who are not her doing horrible things so that she doesn't have to, I think she kinda has a thing for one or more of those orange douchecanoes.

And yet she's always asking me for advice on what she's doing wrong. It's really as simple as picking someone who doesn't look like the guy above.

So Mary, I love you sweetheart, but this is your blaring gap. You don't know enough to steer clear of douchebags. And somehow you get by.

You'll notice too, that this is the first entry in this blog that is not HIMYM related. So just so you know, just like the lemon law, this blog is gonna be a thing.

Blaring Gaps in Knowledge: Barney Stinson

Barney Stinson doesn't know how to use tools.

This is something my father taught me on our ranch in Utah. Whether we were fixing a fence post, or rebuilding the manger or moving the chickens from one coop to the other, I'd be there with my dad. And although I hated it at the time because it was work instead of play, it was outside with my hay fever instead of inside with Super Mario Brothers, it was boring instead of fascinating, looking back on it now, I am grateful for the time I got to spend with my dad, as he was teaching me things I might have to use one day.

Like how to use a post hole digger or fencer's pliers.

He also taught me how to skin a carcass quick and easy, how to filet a fish in two cuts, and how to slaughter chickens so they don't feel anything.

Barney, unfortunately, did not have this experience. And maybe this is why he has such a keen ability to read the needs of, and thereby earn the adoration, of girls with daddy issues. He has them too.

Although he may never have to fix anything around the house nor work chores on a farm nor even hunt or fish for his dinner, he's missing out. Not because it's an important skill to have, but because it's one of the ways dad's fix their kids lives and become their heroes.

We think, if my dad can fix it with just that tool, maybe I can fix things too. If I have the right tool.

Blaring Gaps in Knowledge: Marshall Eriksen

Marshall Eriksen has many gaps in knowledge but most of them are based on the fact that he's largely an 8 year old in a freakishly tall 30 year old body.

He can't seem to swallow pills; he can't wink (when he tries, he looks more like there's something irritating his eye); he doesn't know how to properly make oatmeal; belts confuse him. To be honest: he's me at 8 years old.

My mom was crushing up my pills and putting them on a spoon of applesauce up until I was about 12 or 13.  I didn't learn how to isolate one eye until I was at least 14. Me winking was the same as me blinking.

Although I could have probably figured out the oatmeal, I always had a problem with it as a food stuff. I hated it lumpy and no matter how fast I seemed to eat it or how often I stirred it, it always ended up like a lump of oatmeal cookie dough by the end of breakfast.

And belts, let me just say I was the kid who wore rainbow suspenders because Mork from Ork was effing cool as hell and I wanted to be him.

Mork from Ork was a dork and in school, he would have recieved atomic wedgies all day long. Suspenders make it SO MUCH EASIER to give someone an atomic wedgie.

Less documented though and something I've observed is a different kind of gap in knowledge for Marshall.

His gap is a gap that allows him to see the good in just about anyone. Some people would call it naivete, others might even call him gullible. But the fact is, Marshall Eriksen, implicitly trusts everyone, all the time.

And we all have a friend like this, someone who gives the benefit of the doubt to everyone, no matter how consistently a person lets you down or acts in the same irresponsible way. Marshall is the first to forgive you for your foibles and the last to let you down.

No doubt he's been hurt by people who took advantage of his good nature, time and time again, but he's managed to somehow keep his positive outlook on people.

Marshall attributes this characteristic to his upbringing and to his father specifically.

He and I lost our fathers about the same time and my father was much like his and I am proud, just like him of this gap in knowledge. That some people are not trying to be good and just and noble. That "knowledge" has somehow escaped us.

Maybe because we find it easy to hope in people because people can do some pretty cool things. And we've been witness to it.

Blaring Gaps in Knowledge: Robin Sparkles and the Mythical North Pole

Robin Scherbatsky doesn't believe in the North Pole.

Making it all the more ironic, she's Canadian.

I'm from Alaska. I live in Alaska and on all our maps, there is a city called the North Pole. Here's the Google Maps page for it.

https://maps.google.com/maps/place?q=North+Pole,+AK&hl=en&ftid=0x51324d51d5c5f2b9:0xda1a7714d9d98964

But let's assume that we're talking about the northern most point on the planet, a place where, if there was a axis, or pole, around which the Earth rotated. It would have two points of contact on the planet. One up top, or North, and one on bottom or South.

Geographically, there is also a North Pole. On a globe, it's where the stand connects to the globe. When you stand at it at the summer solstice and take a time lapse photograph of the sun, it just spins in a circle around the sky instead of rising and setting.

But sure, it's fake.

This gap has led Robin to disbelieve other things about the northern most point on the globe. Such as the existence of reindeer.

In Alaska and Canada, they're called caribou.

And yes, most are not attached to sleighs that deliver toys, and there is no way one will get airborne without being airlifted.

There are domestic caribou, called reindeer, and not only do they make really good sausage, but every year, Anchorage sees an event called the "Running of the Reindeer."

Here they are, trotting downtown, confused about all the white people running in front of them.

But let's face it Robin: you're from Canada! Canada is like Alaska without the Americans. This shouldn't be a blaring gap in your knowledge but it is.

I find it hard to believe that you managed to get this far in your life, particularly when you consider how much of a pop icon of everything Canadian and youthful you were as Robin Sparkles, without learning a few things about the real North Pole.

Maybe Santa's North Pole can only be reached by a magical train or it resides somewhere past Superman's Fortress of Solitude, but there is a real, functioning North Pole. It has reindeer and it's right out your front window.

Blaring Gaps in Knowledge: Ted Mosby's "Chameleon"

Ted Mosby, professor of architecture, knows a great deal about a great many things. He is a connoisseur of most cultural things including fine wines, architecture (of course!) and poetry. He delights in mental challenges and has a keen eye for subtle nuances that make the difference between something well-crafted and something that is clearly art. But for all his knowledge and upbringing and classical education, he has one blaring gap in knowledge.

He mispronounces the word "chameleon."

Somehow, he has avoided the jeers and jests of others who know better. Somehow, he was never corrected by a teacher and somehow, he even managed to never hear "Karma Chameleon" by Boy George, or if he did, he did not make the connection between the two words which, contextually, seem to have the same meaning.

And not that there's much call for using the word in every day life. I mean I don't think I've even used it in everyday speech except for maybe sharing a YouTube video of the Mimic Octopus that can changes its colors like a chameleon, but even then, I'm usually writing the word instead of saying it out loud.

Still, to hear him say "chameleon" with a /ch/ sound instead of a /k/ sound is like the first time I heard someone annunciate "I can has cheezburger?" It sounded wrong, it sounded insulting, it sounded like someone spat on my language and I couldn't hide the icky taste as it sat on my tongue. Like a chunk of chewy chicken gristle.