Blaring Gaps in Knowledge: Lily Aldrin

*photo by PopEntertainment.com

Lily Aldrin can't aim.

It isn't that she can't make a basket or can't throw something within a few inches of where it needs to go. She just can't aim.

Which makes you wonder: how does she play frisbee? How much time does she lose walking up to a garbage can to place a piece of refuse in it? And then how quickly does she wash her hands? And then what does she do with the towel she uses to dry her hands off? It must take her hours just to use a public restroom.

I mean, sure she's short. We wouldn't expect her to be good at basketball or jai alai or that trick that Hoops does on the sailboat in "One Crazy Summer." But at least John Cusack practices.

She's a kindergarten teacher and if there's one thing I know about kindergartners, they can target. When I worked with kindergartners, I must have gone home about six or seven times a month having been knocked in the sack with a foot, a bat, a broom handle, or a head. Those little bastards know where to find your privates at any time they have a good shot.

But she's somehow missed the lessons children can teach us too. If anyone has a good idea about how to teach her how to keep her wild pitches, not necessarily over the plate, but at least in the same ballpark, I'm taking suggestions.